This and that

Elder Aaron and his companion found an apartment, so he doesn't have to sleep on the couch anymore! They had to move in with other elders at the last minute to make room for all the new sisters serving in Toronto.

I had a date with my sweetie to the symphony.  It was one of the best performances ever.  We enjoyed Bach, Schumann and a Concerto for two pianos by a modern composer, Poulenc.

Brianne started ballet lessons. She is the cutest little ballerina ever.

I went wheat-free this week after reading this book recommended by a dear friend. I had been praying about my health and wondering what to do.  Just a few hours later we were finishing a conversation when she said, "Wait, I have to tell you about this book."  The results have amazed me.  I have much more energy and none of the cravings for snacks and sweets.  We shall see how the weight loss goes.

Lavender took her very first steps just a month ago and now she is running around everywhere.

Marianne and Evan dissected a sheep brain with their cousins as part of their biology class. Their Uncle Brian is a great lab instructor.

I got to go the temple this week!

Do You Want the Truth?

I have been thinking about my Mom today.  I think about her every day, but today she has been in my thoughts more than usual.  It is nearly a year since she died.  Last year at this time my sister and I were taking turns at her bedside in the hospital.

One year ago, I already knew my mom would not recover. A week previously, I had spent a sleepless night on the cloud bed* listening to her breathe, ready to help her at any moment.  I prayed over and over for her to recover.  Then a horrible thought entered my mind.  "What if she doesn't make it?"  No one at the hospital had even hinted at such a possibility. So I asked God the question, waiting for comfort and reassurance.  "Heavenly Father, Mom isn't going to die is she?"  The answer came quickly, but it was not the one I wanted.  I couldn't even begin to imagine life without my mom.  I sobbed and sobbed, only stopping because Mom needed help and sadly, protection from the hospital staff.

In the morning I tried to deny the answer I had received, hoping it was just a terrible dream. I wasn't sure why God had told me the awful truth.  Probably because I asked.  But no one else seemed to be able to see it.  And I didn't feel it was my place to tell them. One of Mom's doctors didn't believe she was dying until the day before she went home for hospice.

I know that God only speaks the truth.  He gave it to me gently and only when I asked, but it was still almost too much for me to bear.  Yet, I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father is a God of truth.  He will never deceive or manipulate me.  I can trust Him to always do what is right and what is best for me, even if I don't understand it.

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32 

*Cloud bed is the sarcastic name I gave to the fold-out chair that Jenny & I took turns sleeping on.  It was like laying on springs and metal bars.  To try and ease the discomfort, I asked for extra pillows.  I put them over the so-called mattress and then fitted the sheet on top of them.  As long as I didn't move or roll over (ha!) it was almost bearable.  Looking back, I should have brought an eggshell pad from home, but at the time it never occurred to me.  I guess the physical pain just seemed appropriate at a time of such emotional anguish.

O, Remember, Remember

A few days ago I mentioned to my kids that the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 was coming up.  I recalled what a shock it had been to see the attack of the Twin Towers on TV.  I was surprised to find that my younger kids have no memory of that day. They understand the basics of what happened and we've taken them to see Ground Zero twice, but they still don't remember.

Then I remembered a book I purchased just a few months after 9/11.  It was a little pricey at the time and I debated the purchase.  I kept it on our coffee table for at least a year, but then it got put on the shelf in the garage where I store homeschool books we aren't currently using.  I was able to find the book, dust it off and show it to my kids.  It is essentially a photo essay of the attack and the impact on our country.  Marianne appreciated all the incredible photographs and poured over the book. She learned a few things along the way.  She didn't know that the Pentagon was also attacked.  I also spent some time with the book and I realized that there are many things I have forgotten.  I need to remember.  I want my children to remember.

Marianne and I just finished listening to the Book of Mormon together.  We did it quickly, in less than a month.  At that pace, the themes just jumped out at me.  One theme is the importance of remembering.  Another theme is that we are blessed to live in a choice land; it will be strong as long as we are righteous.  I pray that each of us, and our country as a whole, will remember and that our remembrance will cause us to turn to God.  I saw it happen 10 years ago and I know it can happen again.

An Invitation

Do you ever find yourself wishing you knew . . .
how to solve a problem?
what to say to someone?
if the timing is right?
which path to take?

When I find myself asking these questions I usually do some research and/or pray about it.  But thanks to one of my favorite blogs,  I discovered that Elder Eyring has an even better way.  I'm on the right track, I just need to focus more on the ponder part!

"Reading, studying and pondering are not the same. We read words and we may get ideas. We study and we may discover patterns and connections in scripture. But when we ponder we invite revelation by the Spirit. Pondering for me is the thinking and the praying I do after reading and studying the scriptures carefully."  President Henry B. Eyring

One of Those Days

Yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm not sure why. I did all the right things. I got up early and went walking with my favorite walking partner. We had family prayer and scripture study. I even made a healthy smoothie for breakfast.

I didn't even realize that I was grouchy until my daughter asked me, "Are you all right?"

"What do you mean?!" I responded as I stuck my tongue out at her. And then I knew exactly what she meant.

Fortunately I was able to push through my rotten attitude. I got some laundry started, helped Marianne with some schoolwork and then made sandwiches and raspberry muffins for lunch.

Later I attended a homeschool meeting and went for a walk with my friend whom I visit teach. Fortunately, I was able to do both of these without biting anyone's head off!

The chip on my shoulder was mostly (but not completely) gone. Then I saw this video. Take a look. Even if you're having a marvelous and perfect day, it will make it brighter. And if your day is, shall we say, a little "dim" then you can definitely use the light you'll find HERE.

Did you click the link? Seriously, go back and watch it. The video is awesome and the quote at the end is powerful. It is worth 3 minutes of your time!

Sweet Sunday

This Sunday doesn't feel quite so sweet. I learned early this morning that our dear friends' son Danny passed away last night in a car accident. We have know him since he was a boy in Primary. He and his wife Heather just had their first baby nearly 3 months early. I am praying that their entire family will be blessed with peace and comfort.

I am not sure what the funeral arrangements will be, but I hope that it will be a time for the family to share their memories of Danny and the great life he lived. A couple of years ago we stopped by Danny's apartment to pick up something for a friend. Danny and Heather welcomed us in. Evan was thrilled to see that they had a large fish tank. At the time Evan was really interested in fish and was starting his own aquarium. Danny was so kind to share his knowledge with Evan and give him some pointers about fish and how to care for them. He told Evan to call him any time he had any questions. John and Evan did call him from the pet store a couple of times and he was happy to help. Danny was always so friendly and ready to help!

He will be missed by so many people. Here is something I read recently by Elder Dallin H. Oaks from a conference talk entitled Powerful Ideas.

"A life is not a trivial thing, and its passing should not be memorialized with trivial things. A funeral service is a time to speak of powerful ideas—ideas that can appropriately stand beside the importance of life, ideas that are powerful in their influence on those who remain behind."

We are praying for all those who remain behind.

Sweet Sunday

Today was a good day.

• Uplifting testimonies during Sacrament meeting
• Easy, fun day in nursery (small group, very little crying, lots of smiles)
• Simple crockpot dinner
• Time together with family
• Yummy dessert with even more family
• Priesthood blessing received
• Read this quote from one of my favorite blogs:

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."
- Mother Teresa

This is a little pencil in the hand of my youngest son. You may notice that he doesn't hold a pencil in the usual way. This is actually an accepted alternate grip taught by many educators, but he has had a number of adults tell him that he is "holding it wrong" and that he needs to correct his grip. It may look awkward to you or me, but it works. It gets the job done.

I want to be a little pencil in God's hand. I really do. I want to do His work. I know that sometimes his grip may feel awkward. I need to do things His way, not mine. Sometimes that is uncomfortable. But I need to trust the hand that is holding me and work hard. That is the best way to get His jobs done!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

Lost and Broken

On the day of my mom's funeral, John had the foresight to make an audio recording of the services. Later, my dad told me he would like a written copy of the talks. I knew that several talented photographers had taken pictures that day, so I suggested that we put together a book that included photos as well.

I decided I could work on it over the next month or so and have it ready for my dad for Christmas. Denise, Kristin and Marianne were kind enough to share their photos with me. Some of my siblings emailed me their talks, but I knew that I would have to transcribe several of the talks. The trouble was, I couldn't find the mini-cassette tape with the funeral recording.

John had set the tape aside for me on his desk and showed me where it was, but his desk gets awfully messy.

Marianne used the cassette recorder frequently for her flute lessons. She said she was careful to use a new tape, but it is easy to get those things confused.

I was frustrated that someone had lost that tape!

I prayed about it and was sure that it would turn up sooner or later. I got to work on the book and finished as much of it as I could. Christmas came and went and I still couldn't find the lost tape.

Evan offered to help me. He searched all over and gathered every mini-cassette tape in the house. He started listening to them, when things went from bad to worse. The cassette player broke! Admittedly, micro-cassette recorders are pretty old school. Most stores only carry digital recorders now. I found what I needed online and bought it, having faith that the lost tape would soon be found.

Photo books can get pricey, especially if you're making several copies, so I was grateful to have a really good coupon code to use! The trouble was, it expired at the end of the year. Besides we were leaving the next day for a trip to Utah.

I was so frustrated and prayed some more. I knew that the Lord knew where the tape was, why wouldn't he help us find it? Suddenly, it hit me. I had been silently blaming everyone else for losing that tape! I had never acknowledged that it may have been ME who lost the tape. Just minutes after I repented of my prideful thoughts, Evan called to me. He had found the lost tape--right behind MY dresser!

Everything came together and I spent a good portion of our car ride transcribing the talks and finishing the photo book. I was able to place the order just hours before the coupon expired.

I am grateful that because of the Savior, what was lost is found.

I am also grateful that:

"Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need his mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things"

Lyrics by Kenneth Cope
(from a CD my Mom gave me for my birthday in August that I can't listen to without crying.)

You can listen HERE

Holes

When I experience loss and sadness I feel like there is a hole in me. It seems like a part of me is missing. For most of my life, I have suffered with very few of these holes. The ones in my past have healed and there is no sign that there was ever anything lacking.

But lately, I feel like a piece of swiss cheese. A few holes opened up over the past couple of years. Then the loss of my mom last month left a huge gaping hole. Today, I was released from my calling as Primary president--another hole! I have never been so sad to be released from any calling. I think it is because of the joy I feel when I am around the children. I love teaching children, so doing sharing time in Primary is one of my favorite things!

This year my youngest son turned twelve. I love seeing him grow and progress, but I have felt the loss of my own children. I miss having young children in my home and I think that being with the Primary children each week helped ease that loss. I am going to miss them terribly. I think the pain is more acute because I so recently suffered the loss of my mom.

I will also miss the closeness I felt with the great women in our presidency. I have been in numerous presidencies and I have enjoyed all of them, but this one was especially sweet.

I know that the Savior will heal these holes and give me peace and comfort, but I need to be patient and focus on prayer and gratitude. This scripture says it all!

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

Love Songs

Last Wednesday we were told that my Mom has a brain tumor from which she will not recover.

On Thursday we gathered most of the family in my mom's hospital room. Mom had been asleep for nearly 72 hours and we all took turns kissing her and telling her we loved her. There were many tears shed. Then we quieted down so that Mom could receive a priesthood blessing. It was a lovely blessing that made us cry even more.

About 20 minutes later, a miracle occurred. Mom woke up and began talking to us! We spent several hours laughing, talking and singing together. We sang songs that my mom learned from her grandpa and other songs from our childhood. It was a beautiful time for our family and will always be a wonderful memory.

During her illness, my mom has continually expressed her love for our family. When we mention a particular family member, Mom repeats over and over how much she loves them. It has been especially sweet to hear her talk about my dad, whom she has taken to calling "Bobby", a nickname she hasn't used in over 50 years. She even began singing a little song to him. I asked her if it was a song from their dating years. She said, "Yes, but it was about a different boy and I can't say his name because I don't love him. I love Bobby!"

I did a little googling and came up with the original version of the song. It was actually written in answer to a song called "Tell Laura I Love Her" . The songs came out in 1960 when my mom was 18. So here's the link to "Tell Tommy I Miss Him"

Just be sure to substitute "Bobby" if you sing along.

Silver Linings

My mom is still in the hospital fighting for her life. We are so very grateful for the good wishes, prayers and fasting of many friends and family. Because of their great faith we have been blessed with miracles.

On Thursday night and Friday Mom was very weak and declining rapidly. She didn't even recognize me. On Friday evening after a difficult day of tests and procedures, Mom finally slept for a few hours. When she woke up she was very coherent and had a detailed conversation with my Dad and me. She even talked to her sister on the phone. We knew that we were witnessing a miracle on the evening of our special fast for Mom. Thank you for your part in a miracle!

More miracles:

*My sister and I have been granted great strength and endurance in caring for my mom.

*An anesthesiologist arrived 3 minutes after she was paged and performed a complicated procedure that the doctors had attempted unsuccessfully (this is a HUGE miracle at Kaiser where everything takes a really long time!)

*An estranged family member called to express concern about my mom and wants to re-establish a relationship.

* Hearts have been softened and much love shared.

The doctors still haven't determined the cause of the meningitis/encephalitis and Mom is still suffering greatly. We pray that God will continue to bless her and grant her the miracles she needs.

This is a sad and painful time, but I am grateful for the many miracles that are happening around me. Here is a powerful article about surviving the most difficult times in our lives. It is called "Silver Linings." It is an easy read that I think everyone can relate to.

Thank you for your continued prayers for my wonderful mother!

Deja Vu

My mom is in the hospital with meningitis. It is hard to believe that just last year I was in the hospital caring for Evan when he had meningitis. Unfortunately, the level of care for my mom is much lower than the care that Evan received. My sister and I are taking turns staying at the hospital so that my mom is never alone.

She was admitted Wednesday night and seemed to be improving on Thursday and Friday. Yesterday they gave her a sedative before an MRI and unfortunately she had a very bad reaction to the medication. We are waiting for her to get it out of her system and get back on track.

Please keep her in your prayers. Recovering from meningitis is a long, rocky road.

Evan said some very funny things during his illness and my mom is no different. Yesterday, Jenny asked her if she was hungry. She answered "Yes" and then in a very sad voice she said, "But I don't know how to get un-hungry!"

You can read about Evan's hospitalization HERE
You can learn more about meningitis HERE

I am very grateful that I experienced Evan's illness because it prepared me to help my Mom. They wanted to send her home from the emergency room, but I listed her symptoms and suggested a spinal tap to diagnose meningitis. Somehow that got the doctor's attention and he finally listened to us. More about gratitude and meningitis HERE.

Again, I would really appreciate your prayers for my parents at this time.

Fasting on Independence Day

What a wonderful day! Fast Sunday on the 4th of July.

It reminds me of what Abraham Lincoln said in 1863 when he issued a proclamation declaring a national day of fasting.

We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth and power, as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us!

These are harsh words. Words that are certainly truer today that they were in 1863.

On this Sabbath day, I am grateful that I can fast (as Lincoln requested) and remember the words spoken more recently by President Harold B. Lee.

This nation, founded on principles laid down by men whom God raised up, will never fail . . . I have faith in America; you and I must have faith in America. If we understand the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

May you have a happy 4th of July, full of fasting, faith and family.

That We May Be Redeemed,
the founding fathers and Wilford Woodruff.
Painted by Harold I. Hopkinson
(The original, beautiful, full-color version is in the St. George temple.)

From Poetry to Peace

If you read the poems in my last post, you probably gathered that I've been on a quest for peace. I've searched in all the places I usually find peace: in the scriptures, at the temple, through chocolate and in many books. But peace has still eluded me. Finally I remembered some wise counsel given by our Stake Presidency a few years ago. They shared six daily actions to find peace.

6 P's of Personal Peace

1. Prayer - meaningful pleading prayer
2. Page - at least a page of scripture study
3. Ponder - reflection on the atonement and blessings
4. Praise - genuine expression of appreciation
5. Play - take time to enjoy life, non-persuasive family fun
6. Purity - fill your mind with edifying thoughts and music

Pretty good advice, don't you think?

As I looked over this list, I realized that I actually was doing most of these on a daily basis. I could pat myself on the back, except that I STILL wasn't finding peace.

So I decided to step things up. I started a new Book of Mormon reading plan that's been pretty challenging for me. I highly recommend it if you need a spiritual boost!

I also realized that "Play" is my weakest area. But how was I going to find more time to play?? I couldn't come up with a solution, but fortunately Heavenly Father did! My next post will be all about play.


In the meantime I'd love to hear what brings you peace!

One Spring Day

My kids were horrified by my last post, so I thought I'd find something less embarrassing to write about today!

Sometimes it takes years for our prayers to be answered. Many years ago, a wise leader told me that she prayed daily for her children to be worthy to enter the temple and serve missions at the appropriate time. At the time, I only had one little toddler, but I decided to follow my friend's example. Over the years, I have wondered if my children may have grown weary of my repeated prayers pleading for their worthiness and preparation. Yesterday, part of that prayer was answered.

We were able to take Ryan to the temple for the first time.

We received some tender mercies from the Lord:

The sister that helped us check in was a returned missionary from the Arkansas Little Rock Mission where Ryan will be serving. She was so excited to talk to us and tell us all about the mission. She told Ryan that he will be very well fed--especially with fried foods and pie! She said that in some areas, the members fed them breakfast, lunch and dinner! She also said that this was the first time in the temple she'd ever met anyone who had served (or would be serving) in her mission.

We were also thrilled to find that the temple session we attended was conducted by friends from our stake. I know many people who work at the temple, but in 22 years, I have never known both of the ordinance workers leading the session.

It was a wonderful spring day to be in the temple with so many members of my family.

In the coming years, I hope to spend many more days in the temple with my family.

Until then, I'll just have to keep praying . . . and trying not to have too much fun embarrassing my children.

Gratitude

"Behold, thou art [Melanie], and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love."
D & C 6:20

This became one of my favorite verses nearly 14 years ago when I suffered a miscarriage.

Earlier this month, this scripture was again a source of comfort.
I spent 6 days in the hospital with Evan.
You might imagine that I felt scared, worried or stressed.
But surprisingly, I felt overwhelming peace
During the entire experience, I felt encircled in the arms of His love.

I am filled with gratitude for:

The hours of time I had with my son, to focus on him and give him my undivided attention.
This is a rare blessing in a busy family!
Our friends and family who took care of needs at home.
The many nurses and doctors who cared for Evan as a person, not just a patient.
Priesthood blessings and prayer.

I believe that Evan was also encircled in the arms of His love.
He changed during his hospital stay.
He was filled with tenderness, love and concern for others.

On one of our last days in the hospital he asked me,
"Did you eat yet Mom? I never see you eat."
Later he woke up from a nap and said,
"You know what? This place would be just awful without a Mom."

When we came home, Evan was much softer and gentler with everyone. He was blessed with a sweetness and a purity that lingered for many days. I am grateful that Evan has been healed and is well on the road to recovery. But I am equally grateful to my Heavenly Father for the gift of this illness. It has truly been a blessing in my life.

Overwhelmed

What makes you feel overwhelmed?
Often I feel this way when things are out of control
or beyond my control.

Today
Marianne got braces.
She came home with a sore mouth
and a scrape on the side of her face.
I got her a milkshake and some Tylenol,
but really there was nothing I could do.

Today
Ryan had a painful medical test.
He is hundreds of miles away from home
and I called him to offer support,
but really there was nothing I could do.

Today
John spent hours searching for a new job
but his phone interview fell through,
and really there was nothing I could do.

Today
we read Psalms and I knew
that when there is nothing I can do
He is always there
Doing what needs to be done.

Psalm 61

When my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings.

For thou, O God, hast heard my vows:

thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name.

So will I sing praise unto thy name for ever, that I may daily perform my vows.

Psalms 61 - My new favorite scripture
The power of one
just one minute spent reading just one verse
can make all the difference

Do you have a favorite scripture to share with me?

Redecorating My Memories

Marianne has her own room, although it really isn't the first time. She doesn't remember it, but for the first 18 months of her life she had her bedroom all to herself. Perhaps she doesn't remember it because she spent so little time there! That child did not like to sleep. Actually, she slept beautifully as long as she was in my arms or sometimes in the carseat or baby swing (thank heavens for that swing!!)

During my pregnancy with Evan I was really worried about what I would do with two babies who were up all night long. The night I came home from the hospital, I sat rocking Marianne and Evan. I felt completely overwhelmed and started to offer a silent prayer for help. Just then Marianne started to sing a song that went something like "I love my little baby."

Immediately, I knew that everything would be alright. And it was. From that night on, Marianne slept through the night. It was a miracle and I knew it!



My two babies became great roommates. I knew that someday my little girl would not want to share a room with her brother, but I figured that by the time she was 12, Ryan would be 18 and off to college. Thankfully things worked out just as planned! Here is her "new" room with a desk that has room for all her card-making supplies.