Negative Self-Talk or Something Else?

When I was in college, I read Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. During our classroom discussion, the professor emphasized that most negative, dark, evil feelings and ideas come from deep within each of us. At first I struggled with this concept, but eventually I decided he was right. Just a few weeks ago I realized that I have believed this lie for almost 30 years.

Darkness and negativity come from one source—Satan, the enemy of all righteousness (Acts 13:10, Alma 34:23).

I recently read Joseph Smith History and I had the impression that Joseph’s experiences followed a pattern, so I made a list. 

God and his messengers:

Call us by name (v 33, 49)

Command, urge action (v 17, 19-20, 42)

Quote scripture (v 36-41)

Warn (v 42, 46)

Use repetition (v 45, 46, 54)

Encourage us to tell the truth, not keep secrets (v 49)

Urge patience (v 42, 54, 54)

Invite us to ask questions and provide answers (v 18-19)

The adversary:

Causes powerful feelings (v 15-16)

Brings darkness (v 15)

Is negative, i.e. despair, doom, destruction (v 15, 16)

Binds us (v 15, 17)

I doubt that any of us will have experiences quite like Joseph’s, but we can all be influenced by God’s Spirit and by the adversary. We need to recognize and acknowledge the true source of negative thoughts and feelings rather than blaming ourselves. Instead, we can “labor diligently, that we may conquer the enemy of all righteousness.” (Moroni 9:6)

Linda Reeves said, “We sometimes . . . have a tendency to be very critical of ourselves. During these times, we need to seek the Spirit and ask, ‘Is this what the Lord wants me to think about myself, or is Satan trying to beat me down?’ Remember the nature of our Heavenly Father, whose love is perfect and infinite. He wants to build us up, not tear us down.”

I have a challenge for you:  This week, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and try to identify their source.

Homecoming

We were waiting at the wrong baggage claim area, but a shuttle driver
overheard us talking and told us where he saw "the guy with a badge."
All sixteen of us ran through the airport carrying our "Welcome Home!"
signs and eventually we found him. Elder Aaron is home at last! What a
wonderful day.

In Training

I graduated from my Mothers Who Know class almost two weeks ago, but I was hungry for more.  So I decided to get serious and start Boot Camp.  I spent Saturday at "Prevention Boot Camp" and I will continue my training over the next two months. What am I training for?

I am training to become an Eternal Warriors Addiction Prevention Mentor.  That's a mouthful, isn't it?! It may be a big title, but it is an important job.  There are many programs available to help those struggling with addiction, but wouldn't it be wonderful if we could prevent the addictions in the first place?

We all hope our children will be strong enough to avoid such problems, but what can we do? Can you imagine a generation of youth who have have the discernment, endurance and skills needed to avoid becoming entangled in pornography or other addictions?  I know it is possible, IF our children and teenagers have the training and practice they need to defeat the fiery darts of the adversary.

That's why I'm in training.  I need to be in tip top shape to help families arm themselves and learn to win the war against addiction!

Click HERE to learn more.  Email me at tohappyhartz (at) gmail (dot) com if you would like to learn how to get a copy of a book that explains more about the addiction fighting principles of the Sons of Helaman Program.

Not That I'm Excited or Anything

Busy Hands

Scribbling on walls

In Evan's notebook

Or Marianne's journal 

Opening then closing

Doors, drawers and cupboards

With a slam and a bang

Grasping for leverage

To climb upon

The refrigerator or piano

Pulling and grabbing

The doggy's tail

Or sister's hair

Finally at bedtime

Blowing kisses

And waving goodnight

Clutching her dolly

Gently patting mama

Still at last

Melanie

A New Post, but first an FYI

FYI:  If you are reading this, I want you to know I did not write my last post about you.  You are definitely NOT driving me crazy!  Hope everyone is breathing easier now!  So why did I write it? A friend recently mentioned her struggles with a teenage son and I remembered what I learned several years ago when I first read this article.  After re-reading it, I thought it was worth sharing with you. And I don't mean any of you specifically, just any and all of you!

======================

Now on to our regularly sporadically scheduled post.

Let's talk about filters for a minute.  No, I don't mean the apps you use to make your Instagram photos look cool.  I mean the filters that keep the nasty stuff from showing up on your computer.  We all want to protect our families from pornography and filters are one way to do that.

Now I know you may have a list of reasons why you don't have filters on your computer/phone/ipad/itouch.

• My kids are too young to worry about that
• No one uses my [insert digital device of your choice] but me
• The filter might block sites I want to use
• I don't want to spend the money on that
• I'm not tech savvy enough to figure that out
• I'll do it later 
• I have really good kids and I trust them
• It can't block everything, so why bother?
• Our filter doesn't work right, so I disabled/removed it
• It makes my internet run really slow.

I get it, I really do.  Filters are a pain.

But do you really want to find out that your child, grandchild, spouse, babysitter, nephew etc is addicted to porn and you didn't do everything you could to prevent it?  Are you willing to take the risk that a family member might accidentally see pornography on your laptop/phone/ipad/itouch?  Do you want someone using your wifi to view porn or show it to an innocent child?

No, filters don't offer complete protection, but without them, we are leaving our doors wide open and inviting the adversary to come on in. So what can you do?

1. Install a router based filter so that any person/device using your wifi is protected.  This is even available FREE through services like OpenDNS which actually makes your internet faster. Another option is buying a router like Pandora's Hope.
2. Install filtering software on each and every one of your mobile devices.  Why?  Because they're mobile.  You will be using them on other networks besides your own wifi.  
3. Check your filters regularly to be sure they're working. Set a date on your calender once a week/month to remind you.  It only takes a second to test an objectionable website.  I have been shocked to learn that my filters weren't working on several occasions.  I have had a great filter from my cell phone provider, but recently I found that it didn't work with the latest software update!

So please, learn how to prevent addiction, teach your family to do what's right, help them understand the dangers and what to do if they see pornography.  Talk about it often, but don't forget the filters! 

Source

Thinking Above the Line

Do you have someone in your life who is driving you crazy?!  Go ahead, you can admit it.  I promise not to tell anyone.

When this crazy-making person is a member of your family, things get even more complicated.  You love this person. You don't want to have negative feelings about him or her. Things need to change, but you're not sure what to do.

The answer is :  Think above the line!

Here is a little visual depiction of how to get started.

Good qualities

Talents, strengths

Things I love about this person

Anything positive I can say about this individual

___________________________

Weaknesses, sins, problems

Bad habits, sadness

Everything negative about this person

Sometimes it is difficult to think of much to write above the line, but it's a good way to get started. Next, read this great article that explains how to use this thinking to make a change in your life and in the life of the person who has been scrambling your brain cells. The article is written specifically for parents dealing with difficult teens, but the principles can work in any difficult relationship.  Go ahead, give it a try!

Nine Eleven

Twelve years ago today, my nine year old son wrote this:

I am glad we have a written record of his reaction to this horrible tragedy.  May we always remember.
You may wonder about the last line of his journal entry.  He was referring to the satellite dish that my brother was installing on our roof.  TV was a huge part of that day.  We spent much of the day and the following days watching news coverage of 911 and the aftermath.  I am grateful my children were home with me on that fateful day, that we were able to watch, discuss and cry together.

A New To Do List

Elder Aaron emailing from the church in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario

Elder Aaron emails us each week. I almost always get a fairly long email and he often sends an email to the immediate family.  This week John and I both got very short emails of a couple of sentences, but Marianne and Evan both received long emails.  Evan asked his big brother for advice about what to do in his spare time.  Aaron replied with a long list of ideas.

I thought I would share it with you in hopes it might spark an idea for you or for a family member. Sometimes we just need a little inspiration to get started on a project!

1. Learn how to operate ham radio and talk to people over the radio. 
2. Write in your journal about meaningful experiences in your life. Write about your goals, what you want to accomplish, and who you want to become. Take a video logs of yourself answering these questions. 
3. Play the piano. 3.5 Take voice lessons 
4. Find a service that lets you video chat with deaf people and practice ASL with a native speaker. Or find deaf people in Poway and practice with them. There has to be a deaf group somewhere in Poway. They would probably be impressed that you're striving to learn their language. [Marianne & Evan are taking an ASL class at the community college.] Don't worry if you can't communicate very well just practice. 
5. Interview Grandpa about his life and record the interview by video and/or audio. Have him record stories from his life. How did he join the church? How did he meet grandma? What were his pastimes as a teenager? What are his memories of his parents? 
6. Learn about computer hardware and build a computer. 
7. Work out at Brother Killen's house. [A friend with weights and equipment we can use for free.]
8. Seriously research universities. Why would you want to go there? What do you want to study there? What do you want to do when you graduate? Will you go to graduate school? 
9. Start taking a picture of yourself every day. By the time you're 25 you'll have a photographic history of growing up. That would be awesome! 
10. Have Dad teach you about financial stuff and develop a financial plan for your life. 
11. Play with Lavender or plant a garden with Evan. 
12. Build a password scheme for your different accounts. 
13. Make your passwords stronger than they are now. 
14. Check out the original papyrus for facsimile no.1 in the Book of Abraham on josephsmithpapers.org. 
15. Plan a Family home evening and carry it out. 
16. Work on your Eagle Scout project. (This one doesn't apply to Marianne directly. Maybe it can be "Help Evan with his Eagle project")
17. Convince Mom and Dad to take the family to a Jewish worship service on a Saturday. Find a good synagogue that would be happy to have you. Study a little about Judaism before you go. It would be a good cultural experience. 
18. Take principles from chapter 3 in Preach My Gospel and learn what other faiths believe about those principles. If possible, ask a real person. Write a paper about it. Do Roman Catholics believe in a premortal life? What do orthodox Jews think about baptism? How does the Islamic perception of God differ from your beliefs? 
19. Take pictures.

Did you know Elder Aaron will be home in 15 days?!  The kids told him we can visit a Jewish synagogue together after he gets home.

Can't wait to see him in two weeks!

Who? The Answer is You!

I hope you can take a minute to check out this website.  They even have a free book you can download HERE. It has a wealth of information including discussion points and lessons for children of all ages.  You can make a difference--starting in your own home!

Why, Oh Why?

This little girl LOVES to ask, "Why?" and she does it over and over.   It used to drive me crazy with my older kids, but with Lavender it usually just makes me laugh. I know that inquisitiveness is a good quality. In fact, it's how we learn!  Especially when we ask the right questions and listen for answers.

We recently had a training meeting with the incredible mentors from our commonwealth school (homeschool group) and we discussed the power of questions.  Here are a couple of quotations that may give you food for thought or perhaps lead you to ask, "why?"

Questions can linger in our hearts and in our minds in very useful ways, all the while inviting us to see things we haven't before. Have you ever noticed that question marks are shaped like hooks? That's because questions come with that little hook at the end; they hook thoughts and feelings and possible actions. One question can pull all of that into your heart and mind. That's a pretty powerful hook!    - Wendy Watson Nelson, "Asking for Questions"

There are tactical advantages as well as spiritual advantages that can accompany inspired questions. In a modern metaphor that you’re familiar with, inspired questions put the ball on the other side of the net, leaving people free to respond without our being unduly pressing or aggressive. Others may not respond, of course. Nevertheless, the invitations are clearly there, for quality questions linger, especially if they are asked in love. - Neal Maxwell, "Jesus the Perfect Mentor"

What questions do you have?  Where do you find the answers?  And do you have any suggestions on how to teach my toddler to stop tormenting the dog?!

Growing Pains

Our baby girl likes to show us how grown up she is these days.  

Here she is helping to make our favorite breakfast--green smoothies.

She even insisted that she was big enough to try this out.

But nearly every day she reminds us that at eighteen months, she is still just a toddler who needs plenty of help.  It may look like she's just playing in her cute little rocking chair that we originally bought for baby Marianne.

Actually she is stuck!  I couldn't help but laugh a little at her predicament.  Fortunately, her big brother was right there to rescue her (while mom was busy taking pictures).

Fifteen and A Half

We have another driver in the family! Evan was at the DMV this morning and passed the test to get his driver's permit. This afternoon he had his first lesson (CA law requires it) and the driving instructor congratulated us on doing such a fine job teaching him. Umm, we've never actually taken Evan driving, but he's listened to us teach three older siblings. Does that count? He also has a big brother who lets him drive occasionally.

Update:  I have now crossed number twelve off this list.

Example is Contagious!

Today, on Labor Day, it seems appropriate to talk about one of the most labor-intensive, time-consuming, jobs ever.  Did you guess I'm referring to parenting?  It isn't easy, but it is very rewarding, especially by the time the grandchildren come around!

I am blessed to have wonderful parents who modeled good parenting for me.  They weren't perfect, but they set a good example.  Yet, there are new challenges today that they didn't really have to deal with.  There is no doubt that children today will be exposed to pornography.  It isn't a matter of "if," rather "when" they will encounter it.  What's a parent to do?  Worry?  Pray it never happens?  Hide the computer/ipad/phone?

Author Jill Manning has a better approach.  She recommends the following 6 steps whenever you accidentally encounter pornography:

1.  Name it.
2.  Cover your eyes/ears as quickly as possible.
3.  Identify the lie and opposing truth about sexuality.
4.  Tell a parent about your experience as soon as possible.
5.  Turn to something positive, uplifting and wholesome to refocus your mind, body and spirit.
6.  Learn from your experience and identify ways it might be avoided in the future.

She advises teaching our children these 6 steps and then showing them how it works.  Imagine a scene at the dinner table.  Dad says,

"Today on my flight home, I glanced over at the guy sitting next to me and I realized he was looking at something inappropriate on his ipad.  I immediately realized it was pornography and I looked away. I got up and was able to find another seat a few rows back.  I knew that he was looking at the women on the screen as objects, not as daughters of God.  I decided to listen to some beautiful music and I thought about each of you and how wonderful it would be to see you all tonight.  If something like that happens again, I think I will ask the guy to stop watching it on the plane where other people can't help but see it."

We may not want to have these types of conversations with our children, but talking about it takes away secrecy that often plays a role in pornography addictions. In today's media-filled world, it is inevitable that our children will see pornography and they need to learn healthy ways to deal with it.

Jill Manning gives more support and suggestions for parents in her book, What's the Big Deal about Pornography? I have an extra copy or two to give away.  If you would like one, please leave me a comment.

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.

-Kahlil Gibran