I gave this talk at Aaron's funeral service on March 17, 2017.
From the beginning, Aaron’s life on earth was a miracle. Aaron was born peacefully and easily with no real pain to me. In fact, the nurses wanted to send me home from the hospital because they couldn’t believe I was in hard labor. His name “Aaron James” came to us through inspiration and we never discussed any other boy’s names.
In December 2015, we nearly lost Aaron. Through a series of miracles, and the inspiration of his roommate and siblings, God saved Aaron’s life and brought him home to us. Aaron knew he needed medical treatment and he began an intensive outpatient program. He received the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and started medication and therapy.
Aaron’s illness was not really visible. He looked healthy and functioned well. None of us could see the pain he was suffering inside. We only knew about it when he told us and he did that infrequently. He once explained his feelings to me through an analogy. He said that it was like he no longer in saw in color. Everything was gray. He was hopeful that with treatment, the color would slowly return to his life. Aaron once told John that it felt like he was walking through water or mud instead of just walking freely. Another way to describe it was that he was looking through a different lens. Aaron was a very private person and he didn’t want to tell others about his illness. We respected his privacy and didn’t share his diagnosis with many people. Now that Aaron is gone, John and I feel that it is important to speak out about mental illness.
Aaron didn’t “take his life.” His life was taken by the disease of bipolar disorder. That illness is the reason he died. He wasn’t trying to escape and he didn’t “make a poor choice.” He didn’t give up or give in. He did his best and did everything he could to recover. Looking back, we realize that he struggled with this for over five years. While we are on this earth, we will likely never understand what he went through. Aaron suffered from a terrible illness that ultimately took his life.
We recently heard from an old friend who shared the struggle with bipolar disorder in her family. She said, “We didn’t tell anyone because people thought if you were in that much pain, you must be doing something really wrong.”
Mental illness is not a character flaw or a moral failing. It is a disease of the brain. Like other diseases, it can often be controlled through proper treatment. Individuals with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses often live long, healthy, full lives. But the brain, like other organs in the body, sometimes does not respond well to treatment. Sometimes, as in Aaron’s case, the illness proves fatal.
Aaron spent most of 2016 at home with our family and we treasured every moment with him.
In August of 2016, we took our Elder Evan to the MTC and Marianne and Aaron stayed in Provo for the fall semester at BYU. Aaron found an excellent doctor and therapist in Provo. He moved into an apartment with three wonderful roommates. Amazingly, two of them spoke Korean and one of them is from Canada. Aaron lived close to his cousin Emma, his brother and sister, aunts uncles, cousins, nieces and nephew. He had a great deal of support from all of them. He hiked Mount Timpanogos with his brother Ryan. He invited Marianne to his apartment and shared his favorite foods with her. He went to parties, football games, ward activities, international cinema and family get-togethers. Aaron had an amazing bishop and we were surprised to learn that recently, Aaron had shared his mental health struggles with his bishop. His bishop told us that Aaron was a pure soul.
We knew that Aaron’s life was a precious gift. God gave us an incredible gift of 15 extra months with our Aaron. We treasure his entire life, but especially the memories we have made together since December 2015. We are heartbroken to lose our incredible son, but John and I have been blessed by the Lord with peace and comfort. We have received an undeniable assurance that Aaron had faithfully completed his work upon the earth. We know without a doubt that he is in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ and is surrounded by his grandparents and others who love him.
I know that we are not the only ones suffering. All of us here today (and others who could not be with us) are mourning together the loss of Aaron’s life at such a young age. The one thing we can find solace and comfort in is that Aaron is living in a way he couldn’t before. He is free from illness and his brain is clear.
The quote by Dostoevsky in the program is from Aaron’s favorite book.
Every time that you weep be sure to remember that your little son is one of the angels of God, that he looks down from there at you and sees you, and rejoices at your tears, and points at them to the Lord God; and a long while yet will you keep that great mother's grief. But it will turn in the end into quiet joy, and your bitter tears will be only tears of tender sorrow that purifies the heart and delivers it from sin.
- Fyodor Dostoevsky from The Brothers Karamazov
This quote talks about a mother’s grief, but I think it applies to all of us. It describes the miracle that our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ can work in our lives. They take something terrible and find a way to use it to bless our lives. As this quote describes, I pray that our tears will be tender and they will purify our hearts.
Last night we were reading through Aaron’s journals and he wrote down some of his dreams. One was about living in a house made of ice. They only had decorative skis to use. Here’s what Aaron wrote:
7-14-14 To me, dreams are wonderful. Dreams never tell you "That's impossible! An ice wall in your apartment? Skiing on an ornamental pair of skis? That's absurd!" Dreams simply are. They simply exist. They are wonderful because they are absurd, and because they do not question or even recognize their own absurdity. A dream is a gift of inspiration from the subconscious mind. The opportunity to experience the "impossible".
May the Lord bless each of us to receive the inspiration we need.
