Yesterday I finished Wallace Stegner's
Angle of Respose and it got me thinking about marriage, love and Visiting Teaching.
Years ago, I visited a young woman about my age. She was the mother of 4 little girls and each one had a different father. But things were looking up. She had a temple marriage with her 3rd husband. He was a great guy and they were active in the church. He was a good father to the girls and you never would have guessed that only one of them was "his".
Then one day she shared some concerns with me. Her husband didn't seem as attentive as usual and she thought something was wrong. Then she leaned in close and said knowingly, "Sometimes he doesn't even put his arm around me during the night."
I just sat there blinking and trying to think of something to say. I had only been married a few years and I didn't feel qualified to give marital advice. Besides, there were lots of nights when my husband slept with his back to me! I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay, but she seemed to have convinced herself that her marriage was over. It wasn't too surprising that a year later, it was.
Around the same time I visited a lovely young woman who was a recent convert. She and her "husband" had been together for years and had 3 children, but they weren't actually married until just before her baptism. The bishop had married them, but then she'd never turned in the paperwork to the state, because then she couldn't get welfare benefits. Her husband was a truck driver and was gone much of the time. One day she tearfully confessed that she was worried about her husband. I felt relieved because this time I had an older companion with me. Unfortunately, my relief turned to horror as my companion began asking many prying questions and encouraged her to share the gory details and evidence of her husband's infidelity. I made excuses about the time and quickly got my companion out the door while giving the sister a quick hug.
My visiting teaching assignment was changed soon afterward, but the woman quietly told me her husband was repentant and she was willing to forgive him. The family was still happily together several years later when they moved from the area and I received Christmas cards from them for a number of years.
I had forgotten about these "exciting" visiting teaching visits, until I read
Angle of Repose. I expected historical fiction. Instead, I encountered a tragedy. I like tragedies because they make me think. They keep me awake at night, wondering.
Angle of Repose, like any good tragedy, left me with a bunch of unanswered questions. Why does one marriage fail when another remains strong? Why are some people able to forgive serious betrayals, while others can't live with minor inconsistencies? Why does one couple divorce on a whim, while another couple chooses to live parallel lives in a loveless marriage?
I certainly don't have all the answers, nor do I want to give marital advice. But I do have a few thoughts, and hopefully I've learned a little bit in nearly 23 years of marriage.
1. Every marriage is the union of two flawed and imperfect people.
2. An enduring marriage is an exercise in forgiveness.
3. Communion is the secret ingredient in a happy marriage.
What is communion? It's more than I can possibly list in a blog post: sweet memories, photo albums, laughter, teasing, a weekend getaway, kisses, planning a trip together, going to the temple . . .
Truman Madsen describes communion as being much more than communication. He says, "being soul to soul, even for brief time, goes a long way. A taste is quite enough to put a new color on the world; make the drudgery worth it and still worth it. Memory and anticipation merge in your consciousness. It is amazing how much else you can lack or never get around to; how little else you actually need. It keeps the ship of marriage afloat and moving. But I submit that if this is lacking (or as it lags or slumps toward zero), the oil of gladness is gone. The frictions groan and stick and jam up, and then words are quiet impotent."
As my husband likes to say, he's not a man of many words, but fortunately he's really good at forgiveness and communion.
